It's ur Birthday!

I think you look damn hot for a woman of 65.


I was pleased as punch to finally get Nanna on the phone this morning. Its sometimes difficult to reach Nanna on her phone sex line, she such a busy woman. I do admire her work ethic... giggle... snort!


Nanna and I have plotted many financial adventures together one of which was to dress in leather and offer curbside beatings at a fraction of the price that a person would pay at some S&M clubs in Dallas. I think it would have gone over big, however we kept butting heads with the zoning committee of Milford, Texas. Some people just don't have any sense of humor.


We've been friends for so long I can't remember exactly how long she's been putting up with me. She keeps me grounded, usually by sitting on me. I still love her in spite of her call'n me "Carla Jean" and getting everyone else to do the same. Nanna has these dangerous dimples that she engages when she is in a warp'd mood. She is just about the most talented person I've met in my life. If it can be done.. she's the one to do it. If it can't... she'll do it anyway. For your own safety.. NEVER tell her that she can't!


I love Nanna's birthday more than my own. So much so, that pert near every time we go out to a restaurant... I tell the waiter or waitress that its her birthday... the end result is that everyone in the place will sing "Happy Birthday" to her. Once at a mini-chat meet in Fort Worth, I talked the waiter into dancing for her. We had our dollar bills in hand til we found out he was underage and slunk out as quickly as possible. Some establishments have a policy that their staff is not allowed to sing... bummer. For instance, Johnny Carino's in Waxahachie, wouldn't let our waiter sing. So I went from table to table asking the customers to sing to my friend who had just gotten out of the mental hospital and we were celebrating... most were happy to. She got some really sympathic smiles.


If your on a budget.. no problem.. Nanna is a cheap drunk. On her birthday... um... her REAL birthday... last year, Lisa, Kat, Sprite and I took her to The Lone Star Cafe in Hillsboro. We ordered a round of margaritas. Three sips and she was easy. Another time we were at chat meet and were sitting in the lounge at happy hour drinking beer. I kept drinking... and drinking on the ONE beer til I realized.. hey I got a buzz a goin on one beer... that's not like me. I glanced at Nanna and saw "dimples". She had been pouring her beer in my glass all that time. The woman is evil I tell ya.. despite "Batting innocent eyes".


Remember Nanna today and raise a cup of coffee in honor of a great person and an even greater friend. I love ya Puddin. Happy birthday.


later darlins...

IN THE CAR!! Dammit!

I received another email today from a friend that wanted clarification about an incident that happened before I moved to Oklahoma... damn this stuff follows me around.

My former manager decided she needed to take her vacation a week before I was scheduled to quit my job at Wal-Mart Vision Center in Hillsboro, Texas. I was planning to head down to Port Lavaca as soon as I clocked out. I'd gotten up early and stuffed some clothes in my backpack...Which is so totally unlike me as anyone who knows me.. Knows how anal I am about packing. I hadn't packed because this was a last minute trip and Sprite, Kat and I had spent way too much time the previous night at the Frog. I still was 45 minutes early for work. I've only been late to work twice before, once due to a wreck that I had witnessed and once because I had a tire blowout. In all fairness to myself, the time of the tire incident, I clocked in 5 minutes late. Thank gawd for farmers... And short skirts or I'd still be sitting there. I pulled up into the parking lot... got the sweet parking spot and went to kill my engine. Something didn't feel right. First, I should tell you, I have electronic locks on my car... the kind that unlocks when you put the car in park and turn off the engine. The key would not turn all the way off and the locks didn't.. ya know.. unlock. I thought to myself.. I musta not put it in park.. I looked.. yeah it was in park. I had visions of the car rolling into some expensive vehicle and I'd have to pawn one of my grandsons to pay for the damage.. so I figured I'd try the whole process over again... same results. I'm still cool.. and thought well this piece of shit is just feelin her oats.. I'll mess with it when I get off work. I grab'd my purse and the papers that I had been working on for Barbara.. grasped the door handle and gave the door a shove with my shoulder... which was a stupid idea in the first place since I had been in gawd awful pain with my back, neck and shoulder for the last month. I was met with absolute resistance... not only did the door not open.. but I nearly blacked out from the pain. Shortly after I could focus again and I talked my lungs into breathing again, I realized.. "dumbass the damn door is locked". I'm pretty quick at times. This was just not one of those times. I looked around to see if there were anyone in the parking lot that I knew.. yeah but they weren't looking... whew! No biggie... just reach up and unlock the manual slide lock on the door.... It didn't budge. It didn't wiggle. It was stuck in sorta less than half unlocked position. Anyway.. it was STILL locked. I tried this manuver several times without budging it either forward or backwards. Now, not only am I hurting... I'm pissed. I called the car just about every dirty word and phrase I could muster. I began formulating several escape plans. One being.. I'll just roll down the window and climb out, however that idea quickly lost its glamour when I got to thinking of possible outcomes of that particular means of escape. I am a very visual person... Give me a suggestion... I can see it...And right now I did not like what I was see'n. I was wearing a short denim skirt and a light blue button up blouse. Now, much to the chagrin of my daughter... I don't wear panties. As a creature of habit... I was not wearing any that morning either. I didn't have much strength in my left side before I tried to break out of the car and I possessed even less now. I could see myself attempting the climb, my arm slip'n and I'd fall out of the window my foot get'n caught in the stirring wheel and I'd be hangin there... my head on the asphalt.. skirt up... no panties... well you get the picture. I began working on another plan... one that didn't involve accrobatics and exposing Miss Kitty to my co-workers. Aaaha! Why didn't I think of this before... call Bear!! He's a mechanic... he can get me out of this prison. I just love cell phones. I called him.. He answered... I told him... He laughed so hard he cut me off... He calls back... He asks, "Babe, you did what?" (laugh..laugh.. laughhhh... hysterical laughter) HE'S IN HOUSTON! He had the gaul to ask me, "Babe, why did you do that?" (I'm now devising a plan to hurt him... but I need his help so I put that particular venture on hold) He tells me to reach over and push open the lock. Speaking slowly, through my teeth I tell him, "I'm not stupid, we were married near 27 years, have you ever known me to be STUPID?" A pregnant pause... He told me to start the car, put it in gear and try it again. I've already done that.. but perhaps once more will do the trick. Did it. It didn't. I back up... I pull forward. I roll the window down. Here comes the kicker... the man tells me, "Babe, reach out and see if you can open it from the outside." Ok, now if I could open it from the outside with it locked, what's the purpose of locking it? Low and freak'n behold.. it still didn't open. I'm about to cry. I was gonna cry earlier but stayed myself. NOW I'm really gonna cry. Bear tells me, he has no idea what to do, he'll call me back and hangs up. HE HUNG UP!!! I'm locked in the car and he hangs up! I can multitask.. so I return to the plan to inflict harm on his person as I continue to whine, panic and push on the door. I decided to try the backing up thing again and found with the engine turned and in reverse I could manually unlock the door. YIPPI!!!!!!!!! I opened the door while still in reverse and pulled forward. I am freeeeeeeeeee! I was scheduled for 8 AM.. it is now 8:15. I went to the Associate lounge and poured me a cup of coffee and decided I was going to smoke a cigarette. My cell rings... I could tell he was still laughing. He asked if I were still trapped. I very sweetly told him "No, I got out, thank you". I've not given up on the pain thing for him at this time. I clock in and discover the register monitor has blown. Now, on another day that might have put me into a bad mood, but since I was now a free woman , I could laugh at it and did.


I make it through that day trying to make up some really creative lies that would explain as to why I was late for work. But I remembered that Bear's fiance works at the same Wal-Mart. Holy shit! It was gonna be told and still I wasn't so sure I hadn't been seen in the parking lot. I've found that when you know ur gonna be found out, its best to out yourself first. So I told the story about my morning events at lunch in the lounge. By my next break, several came up to me wanting clarification as to how I locked myself out of my car. Gawd! I had to verbally go through the whole sickening story over and over and... Several gentleman offered their services in case I were to ever lock myself IN my car again.


I'm trying to decide as to if I should tell Billy what he's getting himself into being as the wedding is only two weeks away. Sprite picks me up as soon as I clocked out and even though I had told her the story when she called at lunch... she made me relive the whole painful thing. Just as we were pulling into LaGrange, Billy phones my cell. I told him I'd understand if he changed his mind about marrying me. He was sweet and said he'd take his chances. I'm relieved. What a great guy. Great guy MY ASS! He called my son, Steven and told him play by play. Calls me back to gloat! On top of that.. he went into a chat room that we frequent, which has friends from all over the world in it and tells it there! I married him anyway. He deserves to be tortured for the rest of his life.


I am only telling.. retelling the painful story so that hopefully I have set the record straight... Yes, I locked myself IN the car!


later darlins...

Stop bug'n me

Remember the good old days when you went to the movie theater and the only commercials you saw were the dancing soda and hotdog urging you to hit the snack bar and trailers for upcoming movies? Those days are gone. Now not only do you get bombarded with a slide show offering teeth whitening at the local dentistry but before you get to see the trailers, you get giant screen adverts for cell phones, soda pop and an invite to be "An Army of One". Hell fire, my popcorn is gone before the opening credits run for the movie I've forgotten I came to see. If I want to see commercials... I'll watch TV. At least list the correct time my movie is gonna begin so I can arrive after the sales pitch is finished... grrrrrrrr!


Another happy little day killer is telemarketers. I received a call from a credit card company recently informing me that I was such a good customer they wanted to up my credit and lower my interest on another card... hmmm... I ain't never owned a credit card. The lady on the phone kept call'n me.. "Mrs. So n So". I asked her what my first name is. She couldn't tell me... so I gently chew'd her bumm out and told her if she was gonna lie.. make it a good one and hung up.


Now those of you that know me... know I have a bit of a temper when provoked. God knew that and as in all of nature, He put warning labels on those creatures that are most dangerous... hence the red hair. Well I'd been the favorite of several telemarketers that day so I was on a short fuse. Generally it takes a great deal to set my fire and by now I was ablazen. I do however try to feign kindness and patience with most folks and I try to remember that my precious daughter was employed as a telemarketer for a period of time. Thank God we extracted her and the deprogammer did a successful job. Hanging up was not working.. anger wasn't working.. so I decided to try humor. As some of you know I do have a twisted sense of humor. I inherited it from my son. I'm gonna share a few of my secrets with you of get'n rid of or at least having some fun with future telemarketers.


"Hello Mz So n So with Such n Such Company. How are you today? (like they really give a fly'n monkey's ass how I'm doing)

"Won't take up too much of your time today but I wanted to share you this wonderful offer that is only being presented to our very best customers" (My gawd have they been following me at Wal-Mart? Snort! And all my friends told me I was just being paranoid... I knew it.)


"We know you are an educated consumer and we are impressed with your purchasing history, so out of all the people in the world we can irritate this evening"... WE CHOSE YOU! (Well now ain't I one lucky bitch!)

Now here comes the pitch.


"For a short time only you can purchase our highest qualilty (insert here the crappy product) Now remember Ms So n So, this offer is exclusive to you and the clock is ticking so you need to order right away." (O shit! I gotta pawn something quick!)

Well I don't really have to go any further... ya'll all been there squirming on the receiving end of that conversation. So let's get on with some tried and true methods of returning the squirm.


If your short on time and don't feel like playing with your prey these are for you;


I'm sorry, I can't talk right now. I'm taking a dump. (click)
I'm sorry, I accidently brushed my tooth with Preparation H and I can't talk. (click)
Dammit I was just about to cum! (click)
Honey I ate some hot sauce and my ass is on fire and unless your sellin butt cream I can't talk to you now. (click)
Well you get the picture.


Some sure fire, tried and true ways to get them to hang up on you;


Mmmm darlin, you got a sexy voice... could you hold on so's I can get my vibrator?
What cha wear'n?
OOOOOOOO yeah baby....keep talk'n I'm almost there.....ooooommmmyyyygawdddddddddd!
Are you touching yourself too?
I don't know you but I'd like to. Give me your number.
I'm busy right now can you call me back when I'm not home?
This is a bad time why don't you give me your home number and I'll call you back when I have more time.
No this is not the lady of the house, but when I finish doing her husband, I'll leave her a note to tell her you called.
Rick is that you? I've been trying to call you for months. Honey you're gonna be a daddy!
Rick is that YOU? I've been trying to reach you. The doctor said I'm supposed to call everyone and let you know its not a STD... woooohoooo!

Well, I think these will help you get started.


later darlins....

The Frog Branch

The Frog Branch Saloon is just about the best lil ole bar ur gonna find in all of central Texas. Its tucked away in the town of Malone. Although Malone sports several watering holes, the Frog, as it is affectionally called by its customers, is the place to be. Ms Donna is the owner and she lives upstairs. It was my and Sprite's habit to be at the Frog every Tuesday and Thursday night, mainly because those nights Debbie, Ms Donna's daughter, is behind the bar. Debbie is tall and blonde. If I believed in reincarnation... I'd like to come back as Debbie. She's as sweet as she is pretty.

Now, as most of you know, I'm an old rocker. I don't listen to much country music and I haven't mastered the art of the Texas Two-Step. That bit of information don't seem to impress most of the gentlemen at the Frog. They will spin you around the dance floor regardless. As the evening progresses and after a few Bud Lights.. even I can dance.

Before I became a regular at the Frog, I'd never played darts. One night Eddie and Danny talked me into it. I won one game. How? I haven't a clue, but I was hooked. I stink at it, yet I love the game. It could be that after a few cold ones everyone plays bout as well as I do. More bullshit flies than darts.

I've been in a few bars during my lifetime... more than I'll admit to, and I've seen my share of bar fights. I'm not one to enjoy violence of any sort, however the best bar fight I've ever seen was at the Frog. Seems this former employee had been banned for stealing from the Frog and he showed up one Tuesday evening with some friends. Debbie reminded him that he was banned and he didn't take to kindly to her suggestion he leave. Now mind you Debbie is tall but she thinks she's 10 foot tall and this joker had about 50 pounds on her. He tried to bully her, cuss her, and ignore her warnings. In the meantime, this goodlookin six-foot four cowboy had just asked me to dance with him. I'd already turned him down several times before, but someone had brought tequilla. Need I say more? Well he told me, "I'm going out on that dance floor, I've played your favorite song, I'm gonna wait til you come to join me... please don't make me look like a fool". Well ya'll know how considerate I can be..cough. So I start making way to the dance floor to save this young man's pride. Bout this time the joker decides to take a swing at Debbie and my cowboy beats the tar outta him. I ain't never seen anything like it. The cowboy, remember I said he was six-foot four, had the longest arms I ever seen on a man. Every punch hit the mark. The joker couldn't reach him. Bam! Joker went down. I thought it was over. The dumbass got up and took a swing at the cowboy. Bam! Joker went down again. Joker got up again. Bam! Joker down. Joker up. Joker down... well I don't know if he had springs in his jeans but he just kept gettin up. Well now while this is going on some of the Joker's friends decided to join in the festivities. Not a good idea. Here comes Jon. Jon is not as tall as me...I'm five five. But Jon is a natural redhead and built like all shit get out, I'm sure I don't have to explain what that means. The fight was really on then. Hell fire, I don't know who was fightin who. Hats were fly'n and punches were be'n thrown and punches were be'n caught. Just about that time Joker's head hit the mirror tiles and cracked one. His mouth was bleed'n and his ole eyebrow was cut and swell'n up. Now Sprite was sitting next to me at a table made of an old cable spool and she was enjoy'n the fight as much as I was. The fight had moved so close to our table that bodies were bump'n the table and Jon's hat was knocked off near where we were sitting. Jon does love that hat. We know that and we love Jon. Sprite jumps off her chair...(she has to jump cuz the good Lord didn't see fit to give her grown up legs..I swear she needs a step stool to reach the potty), and picks up Jon's hat. All through this fight Sprite is just laughing her ass off. I'm not quiet as enamered with the fight as I was earlier... being as we're bout to get swept into it. I got to think'n if someone hit Sprite, its gonna piss her off, I've seen her pissed... its not a good thing. So, I pulled her off the stool and put her behind me. She's a fussin try'n to get back out so she could see. To this day she thinks I did it to protect her... snort! Hell fire n damnation, I did it to protect "them". About this time my attention is drawn back to the cowboy and the Joker. All through the ups and downs, the cowboy didn't lose his hat until a couple of the Joker's friends tried to jump the cowboy from behind. They couldn't take him down. They got the same treatment as their friend, however they had the good sense to stay down and crawl away. Someone comes running in announcing that the police were on their way. Well that sucked the fun out of it all. The cowboy sustained a cut on his index finger from making contact with the Joker's teeth. I didn't get my dance because Sprite and I decided it would be best to head to the IHOP and avoid the possibility of being guests of the Hill County Sherrif's Department. Besides I had to work the next morning. So I lit a cigarette and gave it to the cowboy, kissed him on the cheek and promised him a dance the next time we were at the frog. I made good on that promise.

I do miss my darlins at the Frog and I intend to get by there in my next trip down home to Texas...

later darlins...

I hear my thighs growing

Ok so not literally.. I'm just not used to sittin so much. I haven't danced in so long.. well since the honeymoon. I think my legs hate me. Gonna remedy that this next weekend... Enid is having its first alternative music concert this weekend and although Billy and I might be the oldest couple there.. I'm gonna enjoy it. Then off to Oklahoma City for the Joan Jett concert. Gotta purchase a Tub-O-Sunscreen. Now the big question...What to wear? Shorts? Jeans? Panties or no? Mom always told me to wear clean panties in case I get into an accident... hmmm. I don't plan on any accidents so hence... no panties. She also told me to wear clean panties when I visited the doctor's office. I don't recall ever having an exam with panties on... such a waste! Do they turn you away if you don't have on clean panties? Or, do they note on your chart; "Patient came in complaining of pain in right side, due most likely from not wearing clean panties"? Now if I were to have to undress in front of the doctor, I would understand that rule. However that again posts new problems... should I wear grannie panties or my black lace jobbers? To thong or not? Perhaps I should survey a few doctors and find out the proper pantie ediquite. I'm sure Google has info on "Proper pantie ediquite for doctor's visits". I should probably ask the experts at the Frog Branch Saloon in Malone, Texas. They seem to know a bit of something on pert near every subject. Gawd it all just hurts my head.

later...

Egads I gotta git into shape

Marriage makes you fat... ok..fatter! I'm poop'd..just finished my evening walk which has become a habit here lately. Kat needs to since she is pregnant... Billy and I are "trying" to get healthy. I've put on a few...snort.."few" pounds since the wedding... argh! I think it has to do with not having a job and from taking it easy from the back pain. I need to get moving. I'm cooking alot now... and I do love to eat. I'm sure Billy thinks I might be trying to poison him with the meatless meals. He did take the couscous and the hummis well... but the veggie-fruit meal got me a few looks.

I'm trying to get a few crochet projects finished... our name doily for one. Once I learn how to use my digital camera I'll post a pic of it. Eden will be born in November and I want to have a few sweater sets made for her. Kat is set against pink... too bad..giggle. I do want to do one each in pink, yellow and mint. Charlie is going to need some warm hats as I have been told it SNOWS here... shudder... A Texas snow.. if it reaches the ground, might stay there for a day or two. I'm trying to brace myself for it. I wonder if Billy would object to me "wintering" in Texas... hmmm doubt it.

later darlins...

Why Breakfast at IHOP

Where else do you go after drinkin, dancin, darts? I wanted a place to chat with my friends and family that I don't get to see since I relocated to Oklahoma. See ya'll soon. Huggs n Kisses.. Crazy