Billy and I planned a romantic getaway at a bed and breakfast in Guthrie a few days before Kat was scheduled to have our grandbaby. He's always so romantic... sweet and thoughtful so I wanted to do something special for our trip. The week before I decided that I'd surprize him and get a brazillian wax.. Well after a few calls around this one horse town.. I found that there aren't any salons that offer that service. So I had to take matters into my own hands. The beauty supply store sells and all-in-one microwave brazillion wax kit... so... Now I've waxed before.. just not to the total extent that this project calls for. I've always been a resourceful woman.. a big do-it-yourselfer from way back. I've tackled homeschooling, ground my own wheat berries and made delicious breads.. made my own butter.. cheese.. I'm an amature barber.. hell fire I've built barns and set fence posts. Just how difficult could it be?
Kat had not been sleep'n well due to the large nature of her pregnant condition and Charlie was being a handful. She was finally down for a long needed nap and I had rocked Charlie to sleep... this was my chance to take care of the project at hand... with some privacy.
I opened my box of goodies and giggle'd at the thought of just how surprised that Billy would be when he saw the results of my loving sacrifice made just for him.... First off... the instructions were written so small I had to pull out my cheaters and a magnify'n glass to read them.. The box contained a jar of green wax that was to be microwaved along with tongue depresser look'n sticks and four bottles of different oils and lotions needed to complete my "new" look. I nuked the wax and carried it all the way to the master bath.. where I had placed several makeup mirrors on the floor along with a towel as not to get any wax on the carpet... the carpet on the floor that is. I failed to mention that you have to trim the area to be waxed before you can apply the wax. No problem, I had been allow'n the offend'n hairs to grow for the past few weeks... I tested the temperature of the hot wax so I would not scald the tender flesh that was about to be attacked. The best I could make out.. the instructions were to apply the wax in small strips let it harden then... rip! Well things are going along nicely.. nothing I can't handle.. so I decide I can apply larger amounts of wax to the project. I'm get'n to an area that I can't see so well.. so sitting in the floor I place one foot on the wall and position the mirror as to get a better view.. and generously apply a glob of wax down the entire side of my right... mmm lip. Just at that moment... the doorbell rings. Now being new to the area I don't know anyone and I thought perhaps it could be the UPS man if so he'd just leave whatever package and move on. No such luck. Now the doorbell is ringing repeatedly... my leg slips and as a result the waxed lip comes into quick contact with the opposite unwaxed lip and as a result of that.. both lips are now fused in a very large strip of cooling wax. "Ok.. don't panic" I whisper to myself.. as I scramble to my feet and grab my robe to make the long trek down the hall to the front door... all the time wax is cooling and hardening and each step becomes more painful than the last... So I clinch my thighs together tightly and try walkin on my tiptoes as not to do anymore pulling than necessary. I can't let my visitor wake Charlie and Kat. Until this moment I had not given much thought to how much a person's cootchie lips slip as one walks.. but I now have a healthy knowledge of that lil thought of fact. I reach the door... open it to a couple of boys just about the same age as my youngest son... and their mother. The young gentlemen are selling the same candles that my son is selling... door to door... ugg! I decline the need for said candles... and shut the door. By now I'm sweating and bargining with myself as to how I can get my lips apart in the least painful way possible as I slowly tiptoe back down the long hall thru the bed room and back to my makeshift "salon". A new task has come to my attention... how do I get back down to the towel on the carpet in front of the mirrors to finish my job??? Did you know.. you can't squat when ur lips are waxed together? Well you can't... so I had devised a plan to lean against and slid down the wall. Which was working til I got about two feet from the floor at which time I had no choice but to continue sliding because I could not at that position slide back up. Well back on the floor... I face a new problem... I can no longer put my leg up on the wall to get a good view at my project without the other leg following along. The green wax is now at the rock hard stage. I'm thinking... that I must soften that wax and perhaps... pull ... gently the two lips apart... but just how do you soften the wax... I didn't think I could fit my cootchie in the microwave in which I had originally nuked the wax. Then the bright idea of adding MORE wax which I figured would be hot enough to soften the hardened wax enough to free me from my green now chastity device. Ya know... it was a GOOD theory. The already cooled, hardened wax only cooled the warm wax. Now I have even more wax and have successfully... totally encased my cootchie in a blanket of green hell. Hmmmm... what about the hairdryer??? MMMM ... ya know that didn't work either... I lay back against the wall.. sweat trickling down my tense body and I discover... that now as in all times of stress... I gotta pee. I now look at the clock on my cell phone... which I had the forethought of taking to the bath room salon with me earlier... I have to pick up my son at school in less than an hour... I'm debating with the idea of calling my husband... the physician.. who may have a solution for me... but.. I recall the time I had locked myself in my car a week before we married and decided that I just didn't think I could take the sound of his laughter at this moment in time. My mind started playing out scenes of just how a trip to the emergency room to free my nether regions of this offending green wax would result in gossip for months. It didn't take long for me to realize that dialing 911 was not an option. I do decide that it may be possible.. to cut the wax... but how do you know where to cut and what to cut?? What if I start pulling the wax... ? Well... pulling was my ONLY option... which I did... slowly... painfully... tearing ... After 30 minutes of pulling and breaking off as much of the wax as I possibly can... I have at least free'd one lip from the other... and its time to go pick up my son... and at last I can pee... I had to get dressed... I don't normally wear panties but I do have a few pair for emergencies like trips to the doctor. So I found the oldest pair that I knew I wouldn't care if they were ruined.. since my prettiest panties were collected by Billy before we married... I slip'd them on and jump'd into my jeans... and before I reached the end of the hall I am accutely aware that this is another mistake of a different nature. Not only do I have wax stuck to my aching, swollen cootchie... I have panties stuck to the wax that's stuck to my aching, swollen cootchie. I gently lower myself onto the car seat and head out to wait in line at school to pick up my child... trying hard not to move any more than totally necessary due to the fact that when I moved to brake or accelerate... my stuck panties pulled the stuck wax... While sitting in line.. Billy calls and tells me he loves me.. and to check my email.. I almost begin to cry... lamenting my adventure and asked him if he still loves me.. He just giggled and said "Read your email and you'll know the answer to that and just remember that I sent the email before you told me about the wax". He also suggests using a hot wet towel to soften the remaining wax. Upon entering the car, my son asked me.. if I was ok?... I smiled... and replied, "yes son"... Returning home.. I drag myself to the bathroom to try Billy's suggestion... Removing my jeans was not a problem... but now I have green and pink panties stuck to the remaining wax. Did you know that wax will soften enough to work its way thru the weave of cotton panties? Well... it does. I am now bonded to the material... but what the hell... it acted as a strip and I am now becoming accustomed to the pain... and I give it a big jerk... that action ridded me of a few hairs and globs of wax and I tossed them in the trash container. After about an hour I had rid myself of most of the wax and thought that a warm shower would remove any small amounts left on my skin... ummm no... no amount of soap or warm water will remove green wax.. I decided to give myself a break and go check my email... and there it was! The email Billy had sent to me... at the time I was sacrificing my bush as a surprise for my loving husband... he was composing a poem declaring his love for me... That sent me over the edge.. I started bawlin like a baby... and he sent it BEFORE he heard of my adventure. I learned a priceless lesson that day... he loved me with or without cootchie fur... and I AM NOT GONNA EVER ATTEMT TO WAX AGAIN!!!
Kat had not been sleep'n well due to the large nature of her pregnant condition and Charlie was being a handful. She was finally down for a long needed nap and I had rocked Charlie to sleep... this was my chance to take care of the project at hand... with some privacy.
I opened my box of goodies and giggle'd at the thought of just how surprised that Billy would be when he saw the results of my loving sacrifice made just for him.... First off... the instructions were written so small I had to pull out my cheaters and a magnify'n glass to read them.. The box contained a jar of green wax that was to be microwaved along with tongue depresser look'n sticks and four bottles of different oils and lotions needed to complete my "new" look. I nuked the wax and carried it all the way to the master bath.. where I had placed several makeup mirrors on the floor along with a towel as not to get any wax on the carpet... the carpet on the floor that is. I failed to mention that you have to trim the area to be waxed before you can apply the wax. No problem, I had been allow'n the offend'n hairs to grow for the past few weeks... I tested the temperature of the hot wax so I would not scald the tender flesh that was about to be attacked. The best I could make out.. the instructions were to apply the wax in small strips let it harden then... rip! Well things are going along nicely.. nothing I can't handle.. so I decide I can apply larger amounts of wax to the project. I'm get'n to an area that I can't see so well.. so sitting in the floor I place one foot on the wall and position the mirror as to get a better view.. and generously apply a glob of wax down the entire side of my right... mmm lip. Just at that moment... the doorbell rings. Now being new to the area I don't know anyone and I thought perhaps it could be the UPS man if so he'd just leave whatever package and move on. No such luck. Now the doorbell is ringing repeatedly... my leg slips and as a result the waxed lip comes into quick contact with the opposite unwaxed lip and as a result of that.. both lips are now fused in a very large strip of cooling wax. "Ok.. don't panic" I whisper to myself.. as I scramble to my feet and grab my robe to make the long trek down the hall to the front door... all the time wax is cooling and hardening and each step becomes more painful than the last... So I clinch my thighs together tightly and try walkin on my tiptoes as not to do anymore pulling than necessary. I can't let my visitor wake Charlie and Kat. Until this moment I had not given much thought to how much a person's cootchie lips slip as one walks.. but I now have a healthy knowledge of that lil thought of fact. I reach the door... open it to a couple of boys just about the same age as my youngest son... and their mother. The young gentlemen are selling the same candles that my son is selling... door to door... ugg! I decline the need for said candles... and shut the door. By now I'm sweating and bargining with myself as to how I can get my lips apart in the least painful way possible as I slowly tiptoe back down the long hall thru the bed room and back to my makeshift "salon". A new task has come to my attention... how do I get back down to the towel on the carpet in front of the mirrors to finish my job??? Did you know.. you can't squat when ur lips are waxed together? Well you can't... so I had devised a plan to lean against and slid down the wall. Which was working til I got about two feet from the floor at which time I had no choice but to continue sliding because I could not at that position slide back up. Well back on the floor... I face a new problem... I can no longer put my leg up on the wall to get a good view at my project without the other leg following along. The green wax is now at the rock hard stage. I'm thinking... that I must soften that wax and perhaps... pull ... gently the two lips apart... but just how do you soften the wax... I didn't think I could fit my cootchie in the microwave in which I had originally nuked the wax. Then the bright idea of adding MORE wax which I figured would be hot enough to soften the hardened wax enough to free me from my green now chastity device. Ya know... it was a GOOD theory. The already cooled, hardened wax only cooled the warm wax. Now I have even more wax and have successfully... totally encased my cootchie in a blanket of green hell. Hmmmm... what about the hairdryer??? MMMM ... ya know that didn't work either... I lay back against the wall.. sweat trickling down my tense body and I discover... that now as in all times of stress... I gotta pee. I now look at the clock on my cell phone... which I had the forethought of taking to the bath room salon with me earlier... I have to pick up my son at school in less than an hour... I'm debating with the idea of calling my husband... the physician.. who may have a solution for me... but.. I recall the time I had locked myself in my car a week before we married and decided that I just didn't think I could take the sound of his laughter at this moment in time. My mind started playing out scenes of just how a trip to the emergency room to free my nether regions of this offending green wax would result in gossip for months. It didn't take long for me to realize that dialing 911 was not an option. I do decide that it may be possible.. to cut the wax... but how do you know where to cut and what to cut?? What if I start pulling the wax... ? Well... pulling was my ONLY option... which I did... slowly... painfully... tearing ... After 30 minutes of pulling and breaking off as much of the wax as I possibly can... I have at least free'd one lip from the other... and its time to go pick up my son... and at last I can pee... I had to get dressed... I don't normally wear panties but I do have a few pair for emergencies like trips to the doctor. So I found the oldest pair that I knew I wouldn't care if they were ruined.. since my prettiest panties were collected by Billy before we married... I slip'd them on and jump'd into my jeans... and before I reached the end of the hall I am accutely aware that this is another mistake of a different nature. Not only do I have wax stuck to my aching, swollen cootchie... I have panties stuck to the wax that's stuck to my aching, swollen cootchie. I gently lower myself onto the car seat and head out to wait in line at school to pick up my child... trying hard not to move any more than totally necessary due to the fact that when I moved to brake or accelerate... my stuck panties pulled the stuck wax... While sitting in line.. Billy calls and tells me he loves me.. and to check my email.. I almost begin to cry... lamenting my adventure and asked him if he still loves me.. He just giggled and said "Read your email and you'll know the answer to that and just remember that I sent the email before you told me about the wax". He also suggests using a hot wet towel to soften the remaining wax. Upon entering the car, my son asked me.. if I was ok?... I smiled... and replied, "yes son"... Returning home.. I drag myself to the bathroom to try Billy's suggestion... Removing my jeans was not a problem... but now I have green and pink panties stuck to the remaining wax. Did you know that wax will soften enough to work its way thru the weave of cotton panties? Well... it does. I am now bonded to the material... but what the hell... it acted as a strip and I am now becoming accustomed to the pain... and I give it a big jerk... that action ridded me of a few hairs and globs of wax and I tossed them in the trash container. After about an hour I had rid myself of most of the wax and thought that a warm shower would remove any small amounts left on my skin... ummm no... no amount of soap or warm water will remove green wax.. I decided to give myself a break and go check my email... and there it was! The email Billy had sent to me... at the time I was sacrificing my bush as a surprise for my loving husband... he was composing a poem declaring his love for me... That sent me over the edge.. I started bawlin like a baby... and he sent it BEFORE he heard of my adventure. I learned a priceless lesson that day... he loved me with or without cootchie fur... and I AM NOT GONNA EVER ATTEMT TO WAX AGAIN!!!
1 comment:
OMG, I am in hysterics! I've not been in quite that predictament, but close enough...trying to position mirrors while sitting on the counter in my dressing room, one hand lifting the lovely belly rolls, one hand holding the dripping wax hoping I get it in the right place on the first try!
You can use an oil to remove some waxes...like baby oil. Oh, I can't wait till I need to do this maintenance again, LOL!
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